Brief and to the point:
- “We had our hot water turned off, but it’ll still be cool”
- Two in one shampoo/conditioner. Nope. Never.
- Bars of soap, instead of body soap. If there is a hair stuck to it, I cannot fathom getting clean with it.
- Your entire shower is black and filled with grease and dirt. I understand you work in a car garage, but please… spray it down once a week.
- Your bathmat is a towel that is always wet.
- You only have one towel.
i’ve actually stopped having sex. BUT i will be writing a piece for http://everybodyfuckszine.tumblr.com/ so CHECK IT OUT!
he makes you cum first.
- You refer to yourself as “Daddy”
- Your sweat drips off your nose and onto my face
- You came on my stomach, you live in an attic with no bathroom, got up when YOU were done and didn’t return with some way to clean me up. (should have just rolled over onto your sheets and left)
- You threw up after
- You complimented my “meaty thighs”
- You asked to fuck me while I text
- You sent me a dick pic
- You didn’t send me a dick pic
- You didn’t take your shirt off (every time!!!)
- Pearl. Necklace.
- You drooled on me, DURING
- You cried about your grandmother dying, DURING
- you showed up to our first date, and the background to your phone was my facebook profile picture
- you showed up to our first date with flowers from a gas station
- you showed up to our first date late, stared as I ate, and then didn’t make a move to pay
- you made a “Are you Chris Brown mad?” joke
- you kiss similar to how a lizard sticks out it’s tongue (please stop)
- you wore tinted sunglasses to a party. at night. in allston.
- you send me over 4 text messages in a row with no response back in a 24 time period
night at the roxbury style.
Lets bring it back to the basics. There is this one dude, and he really needs this map. Badly. Every time we get together its like he’s just trying to test me. I thought this was general knowledge for anyone over 16, but I guess its never too late. Even at 27. No matter how many times I correct him, he still goes a solid inch above my clit. Do you like that sand paper feel? You know, I really wouldn’t be too hurt if he wasn’t so lazy on top of that. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t love sex, but when we’re together I’m dreaming of all the calories I’m burning. It’s the workout I almost enjoy. So here ya go, print out this map and tape it to your headboard.